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Brain-dump – May 2007

Isn’t it weird when something major happens in your life you see it on TV. in a programme, whether your having an affair, you’re in a bad relationship and a similar occurrence and example is on a programme, a fight with your best buddie – it just happens – I wonder what this all means, a co-incidence? karma? a sign? I would love to know what this is or just to accept it as c’est la vie. Have just watched BONES on t.v.3 – a victim on there had Sarcoma in his groin/hip and was dead (they found his bones) – on Wednesday on CSI I am sure I heard the word Osteosarcoma, but definitely Sarcoma, and they mentioned the immune system….. (which mine was pretty run down at the time of getting this bug),,,,,, god, no doubt this person died as well – will have to watch this one to see where the Sarcoma was…….. ugly eh – ya just have to sit back and see what they say/find and compare notes 🙂

I am finally feeling better, god you feel like pinching yourself to believe you’re not dreaming. That last stint in Hospital was god awful – I don’t think I will ever get past Day 6 each time I leave the hospital after my nuclear blast of chemo and always end up getting a lonely impersonal taxi back to the hospital. The body just does not take this chemo well in a nutshell, my immune system must say “what the hell are you doing to me! It knocks me for six each time, but it gets rougher and harder to crawl myself back to some semblance of “normal” each time!! “.

My oncologist said she gave me maximum dosage each time – these last three chemo blasts have been the full arsenal, guns blazing. She said she did not change or lessen the dosage simply to have the desired result. I appreciated this, as there is no point “tip toeing” around this critter, ya just don’t want it to turn round and bite you. However, my poor immune system suffered a knock the first time, a double knock the second time and on the third time, it just couldn’t fight back and has taken three and into the fourth week to slowly be able to breathe fresh air for the first time. It is like I have been in the most never-ending nightmare and not woken up, it is like your 33ft underwater where the greatest pressure is on your body while diving, and your slowly kicking to the surface – in my case fighting to get to the surface, which you can see the sun shining on the surface, but you never ever reach the surface and I am weighted down struggling and fighting to get there in slow motion.

Unfortunately in that first week out of hospital of the third round of chemo I was defenceless against any small bug, and of course I got a cold and the rest was history, despite fighting my temperature on the Thursday and Friday of 38.5 deg, knowing what they would do to me in hospital, the stabbing of the shunt or lure, whatever you want to call it, the failure of the lure, the pain of the flush when they try and push the fluid through my veins which have clotted or failed and so the flush is forced through my skin tissue which then makes you almost put you through the roof in pain, to then be stabbed again, to put up with the noise of ward 25, the incessant beeping of those god damn ivac machines that regulate the I.V. fluids or chemo. I fought my temperature for two days to avoid all that, but to my despair I had to give in knowing I should have been at the hospital at 38 deg pronto – I am one tenacious, stubborn female.

I am staying up tonight to watch Team NZ race Luna Rosa the first race I have stayed up for – it is quite important as the next one is Oracle. It will be a good race, just hope it is more than 10kts and there is plenty of action and NZ get some really good windward lifts.

Well, it is almost race time in Valencia and time to make a coffee – another reason I hope there is a lot of wind happening over there so it is a fast race.

A song that helped me keep inspired training for Ironman through cold southerly headwinds, rain and pain, followed by the following year with each round of chemo I had to go through. The words just cemented into me to stay strong and keep going despite my fear.

 

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