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10th May 2007 – Unsure of things before removal of radial

I can’t shake this anxiety pain in my chest – I usually take paradex but for some weird reason, I am only allowed panadol – it is strange. I can’t stop thinking of what Dr French said in Auckland………….”it can metastasize inside the bone”, “there is a 60 – 65% chance you will get through this o.k”, “if a tumor gets to the lung, it is all over”……..”it can still grow back on the remaining radial bone”…. .. .. “but we will keep a very close eye on you with CTs and MRIs every three months…”

I will be so paranoid and will want a xray every month, but this is pointless as it won’t pick up microscopic tumors anyway after such a short time. I am trying real hard to be happy. Bad bugs hate happy hosts. I have to stay happy. I can not get morose. I have to think happy thoughts. I wish you were someone just to hold me all night long – nothing else – just to hold me, and tell me it is gona be o.k. and keep the ghosts away in the night……..

Ignorance is bliss. I don’t care what anyone else says. I was o.k. before I visited Dr French. My Sister said I was told all the above by my oncologist in February. However, I must have let it fly right over my head or was in shock and it didn’t register. Just as well I reckon cos I went through sht anyway. At least I am 4 days away from the half way mark and on the finishing leg of this journey.

I think I will click on “Dirty Dancing” on my laptop and lose myself in it and switch off to reality…

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