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Unseen Pain

I have just read a blog by a rheumatoid arthritis sufferer and felt every step of the pain she described.  We and other arthritic sufferers share a pain many people struggle to appreciate or realise because as she mentioned they can not see that we have no leg or arm enabling them to comprehend, we some days can walk without a limp if our hips, knees and ankles feel ok on this particular day.  They can only see gnarled crooked and at times swollen fingers.  Little do they see the excruciating pain we contend with 24/7 , disrupted or little sleep, fatigue or the steroid injections we suffer as well as the side effects or long-term damage.

A few years ago in Auckland

Image of Auckland

Image of Auckland

where I used to live for a while, I visited a Super Market as I was going to a bbq and needed some steak, wine and things.  I owned a Silver Mazda MX5 at the time and it was great fun, I went to Pukekohe Raceway one wet day and had an absolute blast!! Pictures below 🙂 (I do miss my little car..)  Oops, I have digressed here, back to the story,,, I was running late, found my disabled card and plonked it on the dashboard and parked into the disabled car park right beside the entrance of this Super Market.

Image from Google, identical to my car

Image from Google, identical to my car

As I was locking my car and turned to walk into the shop, this middle-aged lady walked past me and huffed or hmfd in such a manner as if to say “yeah right, how dare you park there!”  I just looked at her and said “Rheumatoid Arthritis, and hey, you can have it, it’s going free!”   Looking at it from her perspective, it did look a bit off.  In drives this hot looking chic in a sports car, rock music blaring from the stereo, roof down, wind blowing through her long hair, screeching to a stop at the front of the shop, gets out of this car with no limp or half contorted body walking with horrific difficulty like one leg is way shorter than the other.  How dare she have a sports car!!!  She has not got one obvious thing wrong with her, how dare she park there taking a place from someone in serious pain.  Trying not to let her snooty attitude get to me, telling myself I shouldn’t have to have a car that “conforms” to a Disabled Car Park, and not to let arthritis rule me and that I am in charge of it!  Feeling justified with belief and not telling that woman how much pain I actually was in I did my shopping and forgot about her.    I got back to my car and saw there was a note left on my seat which was written on that ladies’ receipt. It read :  “Moron Btch” (and aah she didn’t omit a certain letter tho lol)

Pukekohe raceday

Me driving at Pukekohe raceday

Woohoo !! the Finish Line !

Woohoo !! the Finish Line !

So Fast !!!

So Fast !!!

The world does not see the excruciating pain we ignore and contend with which we strive to hide and be as normal as possible to the outside world.  I refused to have any sick days allocated to me when I was working to use for arthritis.  They were used in my way of thinking when your hanging your head over a toilet, broken limb or such like.  Only people who have suffered such pain can see it in my eyes, the eyes never lie or able to fake it.  The chemo damaged my kidneys which has made life hell in more ways than one.  A large percentage of all the drugs which are used every day by sufferers of arthritis, I am unable to take.  If I did, I would after a short time go into renal failure as these drugs are processed by the kidneys.  The major one being the anti inflammatory drugs like Brufen or Voltaren among dozens more which alleviate the inflammation of the joints.  I can not have any of these. Nor any others associated with alleviating arthritis.  The ones that I probably could the side effects are almost just as deadly and I refuse to have these.  Knowing my luck I would suffer one of them.  I have survived one of the hardest diseases and don’t wish to face another.

My only solace is Panadol and a mind strong as steel telling my self I am not in pain, reiterating to myself over and over it’s not so bad or it could be worse.

However, all that ugliness aside, I am going to have another silver sports car one day and one that is a bit higher from the ground lol

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